by Sarah Ezdani
๐๐ก๐ ๐๐จ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ง
For the longest time, my WhatsApp status has been โThe privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly areโ. These are the words of Carl Jung who also talked about individuation, and the different seasons of life serving different purposes which has always resonated with me. He referred to the first half of oneโs life as the โmorning of lifeโ, where we are busy building identity, career, and proving ourselves in the world, and the next stage as the โafternoon of lifeโ, where we are really developing the Self: inner freedom, and becoming more whole, while asking โhow do I become myself more fully?โ, and โwhat is my emerging voice?โ
So, towards the end of the 2024-2025 academic year, when circumstances beyond my control intervened and changed my trajectory in a big way, I had two pathways visually unfolding in front of me โ the choice to continue or stop, and my unmistakable sense of self announced IMMEDIATELY that I would take a year for myself. When I look back now, I think, โWow where did that strong voice come from?โ It was as spontaneous and instinctual as it got, yet that certainty has stayed with me.
๐๐ก๐ ๐๐ฉ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ญ๐ฐ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐๐ข๐ง๐
I was fortunate to have a great board, SLT, and staff, did a good job as a principal if I may say so myself, and I never once wavered from my commitment to it. I gave 100% and more every day, but I lost a lot of the other parts of me. So, one of my lifeโs greatest and bravest choices has been to step back then from the demands of principalship and gift myself this time. I greatly appreciate how privileged I was/am to be able to freely create such a life stage for myself. I also do remember, occasionally, to metaphorically pat myself on the back and say, well done for everything. I, like many of you, do not do this often enough, even though I uplift the people in my world with ease and sincerity.
I was living like a machine, postponing toilet breaks, and trying to create efficiency every second, and it really hit home for me when I started seeing my younger assistant do the same… The system is such โ unlimited tasks, limited time โ so you adapt. I lived in this outcome-oriented, do, do, do mode, whilst maintaining my ethical leadership standards and humanity, and seeing the beauty and uniqueness of everyone around me. Oh, I was also my own Deputy Head โ Academic for a year towards the end because the right candidate was nowhere in sight. Just saying that now makes me shudder. I did what I had to do to stay on top of it and to hold my school together to the highest standards possible. But when I got home, I could not find the off button. I had given everything to my school day. I was just a blob of jelly. I could not become the personal version of me I used to be โ the relaxed version, the muscles-loosened, shoulder-sloping, in-the-moment version. Then, I would have said โIโm the principal of a new school; I signed up for this; of course, itโs going to be hecticโ. Now, I see the trap and illusion of perfection we fall into for ourselves with commendable self-accountability, and the trap and illusion of sacrifice we fall into with an uncommendable lack of self-accountability โ especially women in my experience. So, bless our pure intentions, and our gentle and fierce hearts.
๐๐จ๐ง๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ง๐๐ฒ
I never say I took a year off as that implies there was some form of temporary suspension or some escapism involved. Rather, it was the opposite. This is one of the most important things I will have ever done. Words matter because they are a guide to our consciousness in how we frame our experiences. I took a year to honour myself and my journey โ proudly, and to make sense of it from a few steps back โ humbly. It has always been important for me to regularly check in with myself to see if I am on autopilot or living my most authentic life, and if I am honouring the present version of me or an older identity. I also awaited the opportunity to reflect on my years of leadership. To weave the threads of what I had experienced into a coherent whole. And most importantly, to trust my instinct and to use my learning to go forward in the most fulfilling way.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ ๐๐จ๐ฉ๐ ๐๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ซ๐ซ๐ฒ ๐ ๐จ๐ซ๐ฐ๐๐ซ๐
I know, based on the people I had the privilege of meeting at the LYIS Conference in Hanoi last year, that you are a reflective group of people also on your journeys seeking authenticity. As you have embarked on a brand-new academic year, I am here to gently remind you that the following are non-negotiable:
It is your sacred responsibility to yourself to seek balance, to consciously and regularly question, listen, reflect, go deep, and ask if the truest version of you is being given enough light and space in your life through your daily rhythms and your physical and emotional health. To create and protect space for this habit for everyone in your school, because while the amount of time you can devote to it is a luxury you cannot always control, the habitual presence of it should be a given. I know, it is easier said than done. But please, find a way. I hope that you flourish in your principalship, senior leadership, or whatever professional role you hold, with a lightness of being, and impact your environment in a way that only you can.
๐๐ก๐ ๐๐ฏ๐จ๐ฅ๐ฎ๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง ๐จ๐ ๐๐๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ข๐ง๐
It has been one of the most fulfilling years of my life, and there is something deeply meaningful about the fact that it coincided with entering my forties. I have found that when we ask the right questions, the answers come from within. The greatest gift we can give someone is our time, our undivided attention, and our presence. I am deeply grateful to have given this to myself. When I breathe now, I can feel my breath move through all of me, freely and unobstructed. I feel attuned and aligned, and I am ready to write my next chapter.
๐๐๐๐๐๐ญ๐ข๐๐๐ฅ ๐๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ฅ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ๐ฌ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐ง๐ฌ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ๐ฌ:
– Walking 150km of the Camino trail through rural France in one week โฆ with some 30 km days โฆ in the heat wave
– Travelling to 15 countries, including for my civil wedding, wedding celebrations, and honeymoon, plus lots of solo travels, meeting friends all over, and building new friendships
– Reaching high B1 in German with my best friend, Duolingo with my unbroken 685-day streak since I started
– Meeting so many wonderful people that make up LYIS both in Hanoi and online
– Giving myself permission to rest, and to recover
– Rediscovering who I was underneath the constant urgency and responsiveness
– Remembering what it felt like in my nervous system not to have relentless, myriad demands on my attention
– Reflecting on the meaning of productivity, identity, roles, and calling, what I want my relationship to time and the hours in a day to be, and what it means to be fully alive
– Coming to really understand the weight and responsibility of founding a school
– Seeing more clearly the difference between working at a boarding school versus not
– Observing how I carried out my duties as principal, and extending myself compassion for my learning along the way, including the importance of boundaries and of protecting myself, my time, and my energy
– Celebrating the safe spaces I created in my office where people could move beyond ego and armour, speak honestly about fears, projections, and vulnerabilities and walk away with greater confidence
Holding deep reverence for the trust that grew in those spaces, and the precious intimacy that came with it
– Discovering that leadership is a deep source of fulfillment for me, but that principalship is not always, and that it is okay to value some parts, and not others
– Developing a deeper awareness of the differences between what I am capable of and what I truly wish to do
– Understanding my complexities more โ how I can be the person who wants to do a hundred things from the time I wake up, including asking ChatGPT a thousand random questions a day to sate my curiosity, while also longing to stare at the sky, embrace stillness, and have a quiet day
– Embracing my dichotomies and making space for both the โdoingโ and โbeingโ energies
– Recognising that reading remains a daily constant in my life no matter what else is happening
– Seeing regular exercise as a form of self-respect, and as one of the most effective ways of getting out of my head
– Knowing that even though leadership is an emotional investment in people that always requires going the extra mile, it is worth it
– Reaffirming that leadership is an honourable responsibility that carries the potential to have a lasting impact on a personโs life
– Reinforcing the realisation that relationships are the measure of the quality of my life
P.S. โ Please do reach out if any of this resonates with you and you wish to connect! Share in the comments.
Sarah Ezdani, Former Founding Head of School, China
LYIS is proud to partner with WildChina Education.
